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A Flower on The Graveyard (Why relationships break!)

A flower on the Graveyard

What makes a relationship failure which mattered most in recent past?

One: Lovely prey!

My psychology teacher told me I am introvert. I felt depressed as I thought being introvert is crime because she was examining the reason of my low scores and bad mark-sheets. She then called in my mom and asked me to go out. Since that day afterward my mom stopped scolding me and I can notice that she had started inviting my friends in the weekend. She keeps my friends involved with me in one or the other games this helped her solving her concern of mine being introvert. I started playing out door games and fetched some medals and accolades to hang it on the walls of my drawing rooms. In ten such medals one was the reason me too felt a bit happy, the one which I won in spot poem writing competition. My psychology teacher told me that great poets and scientist were too introvert this helped my boost up my interests in writing and hail a little fame among my colleagues.

After my schooling, I managed to get selected in a collage having complete resident policy. They did not allowed any day scholars getting admission in this collage and being a few reputed college of this country my dad got the wide chest feeling among his companions and so he refused my mom’s advice and so I got bake my favorite thing to do i.e. remain inside the room in my table or bed for as much time as possible. New friends much more tough and ambitious and equally caring tried all efforts to keep me in their group, seniors took all the measures (ordinarily it is called ragging) to seek my involvement. I just did that become compulsion for me, went to the classes whenever hostel warden threatened me to complain to my dad or participated in late night seniors ragging ceremony. They asked me perform anything I can do best, I narrated me poem
Mar ke dojakh me jane ki kyo kasar bakshe
Kyu na jindagi dojakh me tapdeel kar de…
Yu jiye kisi khwahish ki dabish lekar,
Ya bane falak ya falak ko zameen karde  

They enjoyed and so I enjoyed they asked one more for I was told I cannot deny I simply accepted their request

Jine bhi nahi dete apne hisab se
Peene bhi nahi dete apne hisab se
Mai ladkhada ke chalu to aa ke tham lete hai
Kambakht girne bhi nahi dete apne hisaab se!!

This I become the entertainment tool of seniors and got recognisation among the senior madams as my seniors texted my poems to them via sms.

My room partner forced me to let me see in mirrors as he used to do for hours, my other classmate used to come in night and keep chatting about girls and how did they approached any x y z girls and laugh at the full of their belly. They all too forced me to reset my hair style and my dressing style as it is till date very much relevant to high secondary student. They used to tease me, make a fun of me and use my name if they get caught in attempt of any prank with teachers or senior madams. Initially I got too many punishments but as the time passed everyone got to know that I am just a victim of my colleague’s advantageous deeds. Farewell party came, we all juniors got invitation in a big hotel where disco and other arrangements are very famous. Everyone except me was excited. One of my senior told me that I have to recite a few of my poems and so my classmates arranged a Jeans and Kurta for me so that in party people can feel a Hindi poet’s modern look. While going for the party they told I am looking good. 

Party space was big but too much suffocating… sitting arrangements are made, at the entrance a very cute senior Madam pasted kum-kum in the fore head and another Cute Madam gifted a Rose bud then a very strong looking senior sir ordered us to take respective seat inside the hall, he was looking us to ensure that we are not looking at the madams face for longer than usual. Soon the party swung open, a round of introduction began. It was the first time I introduced myself to so many people, they demanded my poems but my hostel seniors said that I have planned an special poetry show but a little later… those who knew that I am good poet raised up the sound of interested and those who don’t fished off with the idea collectively it was not a good idea for the crowd… but after many fantastic dances and songs along with some comedy shows I have been demanded by the hostel seniors and a few senior madams to recite a few and new… I mounted up to the mike and studded my eye ball firm at a big flower pot far behind the crowed and started

Har kadam har mod par ek ass thi pariaaas ki
Sukhe hue labo par apne dasta thi itihas ki!

Roshan jo  maine kuchh kiya to haath aya bas dhua,
Jo bhi ye duniya ne diya bas ant tak niraash thi,

Hum khush kare to fir kise jab jindagi bajwas thi,
Duniya ko dekhenge ho roshan, dil ki bas ye aas thi,

Hum kush kare to fir kise jab jindagi naraaj thi…
Har kadam ka  mod par….

A round of clap sketched smile in face and single clear loud demand of one more electrocuted my thirst of reciting one more

Ruk kar intezar ab mai kitna karu,
Tum bhi aye nahi mai bichhad bhi gaya,

Meri takdeer ab saath deti nahi
Dil dhadakta raha dam nikal bho gaya,

Teri yado ki tasveer chunta raha
Bate teri hi aksar mai karta raha,
Lakh kosis bhiki tu na aayi maga,
Tu jalati rahi aur mai jalta raha…

Laakh baate sahi sau sitam bhi saha
Dil dhadakta raha dam nikal bhi gaya….

I never felt so much charged and energetic; I guess my hostel mate wouldn’t have ever seen me smiling so wide. My eyes are charged and heart his pounding with rocking blood-force. I am happy I recited repeatedly, new old, twice thrice and clapping, whistling crowd took me to the height of their love. I noticed my public fear disappeared. Soon after started the disco round, every one danced to hell, some of my colleague’s tool alcohol and so they were smelling badly but rocking the dance floor. Suddenly a cute senior madam announced that every junior boy has to propose a junior girl and if succeeded they have to dance on the floor in do it tune.
I went frozen, how can I? I never ever spoke to any girl or if I did, did it just for notes or book that too for a very brief time without looking at the face.
But because this has to happened, it started; some of my colleagues are ready with their target. I was to find out, whom, who will not slap, who will refuse without disgust are a few idea ran through. 
There it started, a girl favorite of all… most of us proposed I guess despite her beauty boys also wanted to remain safe… because she is the only one refusing with hot words, rest wither excepted or refused killingly. I turned to me, a while ago I mastered my fear now I am about to turn puppet of it again

I have been forced to come out of crowed; all are yelling recite a poem rather saying three words she will accept. For the safer side I did too opt the same beautiful and polite girl… I am having the same flower a cute madam at the entrance given to me… heart is almost out at the neck… thrombin, sweating and mumbling I approached the girl she turned embarrassed for being chosen again and so smiled with a mix being proud of her beauty. A senior madam ordered to kneel down before her… I thought this will be easier and so did. A senior sir ordered to hold her hand, I did it… whole crowed have said recite a poem and I….

Oh! Almighty ye so gracious
Made a coral so precious,
A fortunate soul to hold her hand,
Folded on kneel as couldn’t stand
Ye oh Angel! Can I say?
I am your eyes falling prey…  I am your only…only prey!
Can I be your only prey…. Say yes to make it a lovely day!!

When I opened my eye, hers were tucked open and mix of embarrassment along with amusement smiles kept her heart beat in rhythm of mine as I can sense it by holding her hand.

It turned out something unthinkable, unimagined and killing… she said
“I do….!” my ears ceased to work, as if I am locked in vacuum.

Two: pearl studded in platinum

I suddenly started mingling with people, become light talking with others but remain a soft nut to hit upon. Aggression is one thing I have not developed but did not thought of its importance as well.

It has been a long day since farewell we haven’t met. It got to seem like it was just a moment she said it in flow or in liking of the poem just to please the audience because she took a long time to accept dancing with me. This short of feeling started dragging me quite more than often and I started sliding back to the darkness with a question of ‘even if she did not approached me then also she has to be around the college or was that she did not belonged to the college some short of prank by the seniors or’ one day a colleague told that she came to college after a long time I ran to see her. Tried hard that no one could guess for what I was running but failed perhaps. I was running but in middle of it I turned back re-think of the reason I am running for… a bitter word ‘why’ kept me reticulating that I should not run ahead. I stopped returned and swaged my blood in balloon of feelings for her. How it is possible that a person have not contacted from so long can still have any short of feeling for me. If I will go I will just make a fun of my own in public… better I should go back. I returned… came back, led down in bed looking at the roof… thinking, what it could have been if I never came into this college and never recited my poems at all. Poems are my own feeling, I only made it public thinking people are really liking it but how stupid I am… they were just using my words to express their feeling and later they kicked me off. They made my fun, they used me. I so slug thought of getting fame by something I myself committed will never tell to anyone. I fell asleep…

Did not want to come to college, it all irritates… why people needs all this engineering degrees, why one just can’t stay away from these books and big talks… inside the classroom a chalk piece hit me and tool my attention back to the blackboard… I realized that I was absent from the class… it is usual with me… I have been expelled out of the class. Wandering in the corridors with null feeling, I passed by the canteen when a voice as melodious as those worlds ‘I do’ were interrupted me from the back side. I turned to see the same angel smiling with the same emotions I had seen her last time. She walked towards me and we started walking together she asked that why I did not contacted her so far... I did have the same question but she asked first… she told she fell ill and so her parents took her home for treatment. She wanted to contact me but without any contact number or any friend link how could she.
I kept on either walking or looking at her (only when she is not looking at me). While she was entering to her hostel she turned back and asked will I meet her this evening in a coffee shop nearby. Before I do comprehend I said yes… she smiled and pushed in to hostel. When I returned to my room, entire hostel was waiting for me to know what I talked with her. This time I am determined that I will not tell anything… I simply resumed my blanket and turned towards the wall. I heard a few people said words I am used to of listening from the childhood…. ‘Coward’ as I kept on doing since years I simply turned my deaf ears and they left.

We started meeting, in canteen, in seminars, outside… we went to see movies… we chattered on phone for nights… we helped each other buying dresses… I borrowed bikes from the seniors to let her shop. She helped me redo my hair styles… my specs, my dressing sense. She changed my way of walking… my confidence to say know. I recovered from my introvert nature. For all her she did to me, in the valentines’ day I took her hands in mine asked her to close her eyes I sleeked in a finger ring to her finger. A golden ring for a platinum finger to let her feel that she is a pearl I found very luckily in my life…

Three: Revolting with Iron Hands
I started anchoring functions, started becoming jolly on the stage, in the class, with the juniors; I did all a common talented graduate scholars does for enjoyment. Parties, disco, night clubs… we went hill stations, we stayed together… enjoyed the warmth of being with each other in romantic and intimate way. Whole college was known of our infamous relationship and my poems. My skills of reciting poems live and on spot made her my follower and her admiration to my poems caused envy to many young and old of the college. Days approached to a final day… after this examination we will become eligible to make software for the company given an offer letter a semester ago. It was the time when we were worried of future of the relationship and ways to meet with each other. In the day we are to be awarded with a degree, our parents are in the campus to see us replacing our initials from Mr. to Er, for the life time. We are in luxurious western robe and a graduating hat sitting in the front rows.. she is beside me holding my hands and afraid of getting called on as this will be the final stage visit and our college life… she asked what after and the announcer called my name… I was looking at her eyes and she kept tight hold of my hands... Announcer called my name for the second time… every one present in hall including mine and hers mom and dad watched us. Friends around me helped me go on…
Junior’s students requested for a poem in a unison sound to which I accepted…

Ek suhani subah ne mera anchal hilaya
Tandhe ek jhoke ne halke se gud gudaya,
Khule adhar khul gaye nayan aur meri pankhudiya khuli,

Bas abhi to mai kali se phool bana tha
Kya bataun mai is pal ka dard kyat ha

Fir maali ne mujh jaison ka guchha bana diya,
Tod kar daali se bajaar me laa diya,
Chand rupyo me meri fir keemmat ada hui,
Dard ke saathiyo se fir ruksat fiza hui,

Beech bajaar me jab mai be mol bik raha tha,
Kya bataun mai us pal ka dard kyat ha,

Kuchh mandir me gaye, kuchh kkabra gaah me,
Meri kismet na thi ki jaau eid gaah mai,
Mujh jaisa hi tha jiski haatho me mai tha
Meri pankhudi noch kar jab wo faisle kar raha tha,
Kya batau mai us pal ka dard kyat ha,

Kisi naajmee ki julfo me sajaya mujhe,
Toda, madoda, dabaya mujhe
Raat adhi thi jab julfo se nikaala gaya,
Ek adh-likhi kitaab me dabaya gaya,

Saalo se us kitaab me jab mai sookha pada tha,
Kya batau mai us pal ka dard kyat ha….
Kya batau mai us pal ka dard kya tha…

With the lots of claps and a degree in my hand I can see tears rolled out of her eyes…

We decided to put our proposal in front of our parents but our country’s five thousands year old heritage of tradition and protocols shattered two young loving buds dream of getting married with their beloved parents’ permission. We decided not over draft the liberty of our parents and so get determined to part our ways… so much time after our college, this news is still breaking news for juniors, colleagues and even seniors. Thousands of them approached us to reconsider the decision but I never felt that at this day I am firm against the one who made me to remain firm and fight with the circumstances. Beside all this much pain in my heart, I am appearing happy and efficient to my professional colleagues… this quality in me had been seeded by her to whom I am determining to let go…

An introvert in me kept reiterating on my decision but a new born analyzer in me forced me to revolt and so I did… I approached her; we met and started living together. No relation, no name no hindrance. We lived as we wanted to live with each other… we made love, we did romance, we went to discos, parties, outings… we toured abroad and then after decent three years of constant revolt against not getting married with anyone we succeeded to cross 21th year of life. A legal marrying age of a boy, on my 21st birthday I too oath of keeping her happy and studded to y heart by knotting a nuptial knot called bonds for lives to come. We were happy like we got the seven wonders of world. We visited the most romantic place in the world for our honeymoon and returned with ever listening bonds. We seek the advice of Gynecologist, we made family planning, we started fund shaving schemes for the child to come. We kept on sending a share of our earning to our parents who kept on refusing us as their part because we did not followed the junked social pattern of cast and creed and this hurt their social status quo.

Four: lucky lips
I got two promotion in a row, a history is made in my company as until now it never happened that anyone got two promotions in one year… she is indeed lucky to me. She too got a promotion but a bit destabilizing…

She got an offer to stay in abroad for quite long time in a project. This required a change in schedule of planning a baby… my promotions enchased additional work load. I started feeling irritating and unpleasant with everyone around me. A day come when we had decided discuss the matter and short out the clutter but and abrupt schedule to visit another city forced me to postpone my discussion with my beloved wife who is constantly prolonging the pending decision of the management of her company. My career oriented wife took her first decision without my consent and finalized the foreign stay. During this day, my mother managed to convince my dad and her family to accept us because we are about to have a baby for them. All shattered. To my wife’s disappointment I refused to discuss about her decision and asked her to do as she decided. A man who used to pick up and drop his wife to and from her office for almost daily from last six years did not went to drop her to the airport at times she left for the forging country for the two year long project… a big disappointment to a soft hearted most beautiful girl I have ever seen whose first two words ‘I do’ still can make my ears dance till today.

Five: A flower on Graveyard
Technology played too much crucial role to help us see each other through our computers and money helped us meet with each other in vacations though very rare… we were in daily adjustments of our work and life… with lots of traveling, unscheduled workloads, need of each other tolled frustrations to an extent that we decided to give our relationship a final kick start if it at all works. I took flight for her current country and reached by the same evening as we planned I reached to her office to pick her to her house and then for a movie and night out. This turned sour with her prolonged video-conference of offshore and onsite teams on some undeniable issue. I kept on waiting outside her office till it called my ego to a supreme rag that I returned back to India. We did not spoken to each other for quite a week after which I got an SMS that my darling wife is coming back to India and living her job forever.

A rejoice, an insurmountable energy forced me to scream with the happiness. I left the office immediately to let the house keeper order to make to house beautiful and put all buds and flowers in the flower pots. I took bath, perfumed myself with the one she liked most. I shaved my beards, aired my hairs… pulled in her favorite jacket she gifted me on our 5th marriage anniversary. I left from the home right in time of the flight arrival all her favorite romantic songs have been charted in car… unable to control my excitement and the loud music… I am dancing and driving… crying the song in dub of singing it…. My phone rang… I took it out of my pocket, its screen is twinkling some clients name… in middle of suspense weather to pick the call or not I kept on looking at the screen and did not realized that a truck carrying steel RCC has applied the break… my car slammed in to the RRC along with me *****

On my graveyard she keeps a flower every day, thinking of me… praying for my soul… I can see her ageing and her loneliness…

Kahi par hum nahi milte
Kahi par tum nahi milte
Agar hum tum nahi milte
To humko ye gam nahi milte……    
The End


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जाने क्या क्या

"ये अचानक बढ़ी कौतुहल का ग़ुबार भर है, कविता कह देना बड़ी बात होगी, पेश है आपके नज़रो-क़रम के लिए "
कुछ मीठा मीठा छूट गया, कुछ कड़वा कड़वा साथ रहा। 
उसके आने जाने तक का, जाने क्या क्या याद रहा।
फूल, किताबें, मंदिर ओटलें, वो गली गलीचे गुजर गये।
भीड़ भाड़ कि धक्का मुक्की, में ये शहर बड़ा आबाद रहा।
सायकल, गच्छी, सीठी, घंटी, छुप छुप के संवाद किये।
अब आँखों की अठखेली का, न वो हुनर रहा न उन्माद रहा।
कुछ मीठा मीठा छूट गया, कुछ कड़वा कड़वा साथ रहा। 
उसके आने जाने तक का, जाने क्या क्या याद रहा।
- जितेंद्र राजाराम

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